|
Life Happiness Frequently Asked Questions
(FAQ)
Q. How can you tell if a person is unhappy
with her/his life?
A. One would think the answer is obvious. Some people have lived unhappy lives
for so long that they’ve forgotten what true happiness feels like. For some, it
may take most of their adult lives to recognize their own unhappiness. Many do
not realize their unhappiness until they are in their middle or later years of
their lives;
hence the "midlife crisis". Unhappy person exhibits one or more of the
following symptoms:
-
He/she is
obsessed with life being unfair.
-
They have a
negative outlook on life and towards others. Their first reaction is to
doubt the intentions of others and to assume the worst of them.
-
Unhappy people
are insecure, have low self-esteem or overly sensitive egos.
-
They have
unrealistically high standards that no one can measure up to. This includes
themselves; whether it's looks, morals, or achievements.
-
They are easily
offended and are too critical of themselves (secretly) and others (openly).
-
They have a
strong need to be right all the time, which makes her/him highly
argumentative.
-
They are self-righteous and blame others
all the time.
-
Their happiness is
attached to events, things or others. They view everything in terms of status or competition including their homes, cars,
partners, job titles and bank accounts.
-
While their
cheeks may smile, their eyes don't. Their laughs might be loud, but
they don't sound heartfelt.
-
The tend to
exaggerate negative events. They get
depressed more often and for longer periods of time.
-
Their language is
mostly critical and negative.
-
Because of their
negative disposition, these individuals can't easily relate to other people
(at a deeper level),
and they feel lonely.
-
They are "control
freaks” and exhibit higher degrees of fear, worry, anxiety, stress or
anger.
-
Because they
focus on their negative experiences, they become emotionally exhausted and
can easily burnout when faced with a crisis.
-
Because we are
all creatures of habit, unhappy people are more attracted to negative
situations (watching tragedies, war, court and crime shows)
-
Unhappy people go
through life missing its simple pleasures of life.
-
They have less
sex and when they do its usually less sensual, more of a conditioned routine
or a performance act.
-
Since they are
not happy with themselves or their lives, they resort to escapism through
workaholism, alcoholism, drug abuse, food addiction or the adoption a
superstitious belief system.
No one exhibits all
the above symptoms at the same time or all the time. If one were to do so, s/he
would become dysfunctional. The key questions to
ask yourself is:
-
How many of the above symptoms do you exhibit?
-
What are you
doing to overcome their root causes?
-
How can you
improve your life happiness?
Q. What are the common thinking and
behavioral characteristics of happy people?
A. Here is a short checklist:
-
Happy people are not
concerned whether life is fair or not, they want to make the best of it.
-
They view
life as an adventure rather than a test, a fun journey rather than an ego
trip, a game rather than a competition.
-
These individuals
are less attached to false notions of perfect image or lifestyle. They just
want to live life, learn, develop and enjoy.
-
Secure and
comfortable in their own skin, events and other people's opinions are less
important to them. Although they enjoy compliments, they do not need
external validation and they never compare themselves with others to
determine their own self-worth.
-
Happy individuals
tend to be more open and accepting (tolerant of other’s mistakes) and have
less need to judge others. They are not easily offended and they are less
critical of themselves and others.
-
They have less of
a need to control events and others. When they do exercise control, it is
usually a conscious and planned effort rather than an emotional or obsessive
reaction. In other words, their need to control is not "out of control"
-
They have more
peace, hope, courage and confidence. They feel less fear, worry anxiety,
stress and anger.
-
Because of their
"cool" attitude, people who are happy are more relaxed, more spontaneous, less
inhibited and more fun to be around with.
-
Because of their
open-mindedness and positive disposition, they can easily relate to other
people, build strong relations and make friends who become a great source of
support.
-
Since they are
less preoccupied with negative experiences, they have ample mental and
emotional energy to spend on achieving their goals, which helps them to
become more successful.
-
Happy people are
attracted to other happy people and situations. For example they are more
attracted to comedy, educational and fun programs and less interested in
watching bad news, tabloids, tragedies, or crime shows.
-
They tend to
enjoy the simple pleasures of life, whether it’s a golden sunrise, a tasty meal, a fresh
drink, a job well done, a friendly conversation, passionate love making or a
simple good night sleep.
-
They are much
more cheerful and much less depressed
The key questions to
ask yourself is:
Q. How do I know I found true
and lasting happiness?
A. You'll know you've found true and lasting
happiness when you see life around you in vivid colors, hear richer sounds, and
feel alive again. You'll know when you wake-up and can't wait to start the day.
When you feel less irritated, less stressed and be more relaxed. You'll know you have found happiness, when your family
and friends tell you that there is something different about you and when new
people gravitate toward you.
Q. Can you explain what you mean by the RW, WR and
RR people?
A. There are three types of people
- People who do the Right things for the Wrong reasons (they
can be successful on the outside, yet unhappy on the inside.)
- People who do the Wrong things for the Right reasons (they
have good intentions but cause needless suffering for others.)
- People who do the Right things for the Right reasons (they
are the happy people, they enjoy life more than most, but unfortunately they
are few.)
Q. What do you think of the popular
self-development tools?
A. There are several useful
personality development tools such as positive affirmations, NLP, EFT, mind mapping, hypnosis and
meditation, unfortunately, their uses are
often exaggerated due to ignorance or for marketing purposes. I will explain
some of these tools during the workshop and tell you what they can do, what they can’t do and how best to use
them.
Q. What is the human hierarchy of
needs?
A. In the 1940s and the 1950s Abraham Maslow developed the Hierarchy of Needs model
which remains valid today for understanding human motivation and personal development. Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs states that we
have five levels of needs. We must satisfy each need in turn,
starting with the first and moving up to level five.
Only when the lower order needs of physical and emotional well-being are
satisfied are we concerned with the higher order needs of influence and
personal development. Conversely, the lower order needs are removed, and we are no longer concerned about the
maintenance of our higher order needs.
-
Survival (Biological and Physiological) needs: Air,
drink, food, sex, sleep, shelter ...
-
Safety needs: Security, stability, law ...
-
Belongingness needs: love, relationships, family,
tribes....
-
Self-esteem needs: Achievements, independence, power,
social status...
-
Self-actualization needs: Self-fulfillment, seeking
personal growth, rich experiences, helping others grow...
At what level are you currently operating?
Q. Which
psychology school you find most useful for achieving life happiness?
A. All of
them. I do not classify myself as Adlerian, Behaviorist,
Freudian, Gestaltist, or Jungian. Although, behaviorism has a strong influence on my thinking, all these schools contributed valuable concepts and
tools to the discovery of how our psyche works
and I encourage you to explore all of them.
Q. Where do
you stand on the Nurture vs. Nature debate for personal happiness?
A. Most studies indicate that personalities are a product of both nature
(genetics) and nurture (education and experience). Based on my firsthand
experience (my personal change) and observations (change of others), a
substantial change is very much possible. When someone asks me how fast and to
what degree change can occur, my simple answer is; it depends on the person's
motivation, education, pain and rewards for change. For an effective change all
of the mentioned factors need to be addressed. Once the person has enough
motivation (pain/rewards) to change and is provided with an opportunity to
change (new education and training) it is only a matter of time before her/his personality is transformed.
Q. But
people's physical, mental, and emotion abilities are not the same?
A. Yes, there are physical, gender, and hormonal differences.
And yes, we are born with different physical and mental strengths and
weaknesses. It is true that some of us are born
with bigger and stronger muscles while others
have smaller, weaker ones, but the fact is
physical training can strengthen and shape your body. Mental training is just
the same. The good news is that the primary determinant for winning in various
areas of life is your personality, which is a product
of your mental education and training. Aside from
mental disabilities and severe mental illnesses, it is my position that
personality traits such as happiness, optimism and leadership are not
hardwired. To a great degree, they are subject to education, training and
positive environmental reinforcement. I do not expect you to agree with me, but
let me ask you to ponder over the following questions:
-
From
your childhood/teen years,
do you remember a
personality that influenced you positively or negatively? Whether it is a parent, teacher,
friend, enemy or even a movie personality? Can you
remember the view you formed or the decision you
took at the time that influenced your behavior and emotions for a long time?
-
Do people seem to mature emotionally with age and
experience? Did you? Was there an event or something that bothered you a lot
when you were a child, but now you laugh at it?
If the answer is yes to any of the above question then you've
got your answer to the change question.
Q. So you
are saying that I could be happy regardless of past experiences or my strengths
and weakness?
A. Perhaps the best way I can explain it, is metaphorically. I believe that
human beings are like musical instruments, we may not have control over our
sounds (our biology), but the music we play
(our personal notes) is subject to our own thoughts. Who is to say that the piano
is better than a violin or the violin is better than a guitar? Regardless of your
favorite sound, and whether you play solo or in an orchestra,
your personal musical notes can be sad or happy. The two key questions you should ask
yourself are:
-
How do you hear your own music? Is it angry, sad,
cheerful
or happy?
-
Are your personal notes in harmony with life notes? Are
they
noisy or melodic?
The music you play and the music you hear determines your
happiness in life or lack of it.
Q. To what
degree
can I change my
lifestyle to become happier?
A. The best way to find out is through the following formula:
Degree of Change = Degree of
education +
Degree of experience
Quality of change = (Quality of
thoughts) + (Quality of environmental reinforcing feedback).
In other words, the degree of change is a function of how strong
(positive or negative) your education is and its validating experience (pain/rewards). A
better education leads to less trial and errors, less struggle and a
faster change process.
Q. How can I achieve emotionally pain-free life?
A. There is no such
thing as a pain-free life. In fact emotional
pain is a necessary and useful life tool that alerts you to re-examine your
living environment and values. Imagine if you had no pain sensation in your
body, you could burn your skin or lose hand without even noticing it. Pain
is a necessary tool to protect you, to help you learn about, adapt to, or change your
living environment.
Q. How long
does it take to achieve authentic happiness?
A. Although Americans are used to "quick-fixes", unfortunately there is no such
thing as "quick happiness". Yes, there are some drugs that induce chemical
changes to suppress your brain's anxiety function for a short
period of time, but a true and lasting happiness requires going through a
process of continuous change and development. Be aware that your happiness is
not tied to any one event. Happiness is mainly a product of your mindset, value system and lifestyle
choices. For a lasting
change most people take months and some even take years.
The good news is that most
people notice a substantial difference in their mood right after the workshop
and they are motivated to use the change program to sustain the positive
feelings. The process of change is hardly
tiresome and better yet, during the process of
change you'll become less stressed, more relaxed and enjoy life more, which will
in turn motivate you further to
continue with your personal development program.
Q. Can I
achieve happiness via meditation?
A. Mediation is a helpful mind relaxation tool, but it does not bring you life
happiness. Becoming happy is a product of a
healthy mindset. Maintaining a healthy mindset is a gradual learning process. A
happy life requires an enlightened mind. I use the term
"enlightenment" metaphorically to describe a clear and healthy mindset. By "enlightenment" I don't mean
the religious or mystical
states of Samadhi or Nirvana.
In my opinion, these concepts are romanticized and exaggerated. There
is no such thing as a perfect human being state or an all-knowing mental state.
Life is a continuous change and we are continuously learning and growing. Even
"enlightened"
people
experience pain and irritation, but the good news is that this
happens to a very little degree and is so far between. In other words, the overwhelming majority of
their life experience is happy and fulfilling. Can you say the same about your life?
Q. Does your
happiness workshop advocate new-age, religious or atheistic lifestyle choices?
A. No, I do not promote one view or the other. However, whenever someone discusses life's values and philosophies these
questions usually arise. The workshop provides neutral analysis of basic personal values and their
impact on our lifestyle. Although I might provide a
quotation or an anecdote from a book or a famous person of a known
affiliation, I do so for the sole purpose of illustrating that particular
point of view. I don't do so to endorse their
religion.
In fact I strongly recommend that you examine your own belief
system, as well as the views I offer you. In the final analysis each of us is responsible for building or adopting
her/his own set of life values.
Q. At times
you mention God and spirituality to support a certain point of view and at
other times you seem to support atheistic views. How can you combine these
contradictory concepts?
A. Both atheistic and religious people can lead happy lifestyles. The seminar
does not encourage the adoption of one lifestyle or the other. I do my best
to address happiness from a neutral and
scientific point of view. My role is to present various thinking
patterns and lifestyle choices
that address emotional well-being regardless of the merits or demerits of each belief system.
It is up to you to test these
choices and to see if they contribute to your happiness. This workshop is not a
platform for theological debate, the debate between theistic (religious) and atheistic
schools is beyond the scope of this seminar.
Q.
Yet often you use the
terms "God", "Soul" and "Spiritual Growth"?
A. I may use colorful language, quotations or anecdotes to explain a certain idea, in my own
personal belief system, spiritual growth is synonymous with mental/emotional growth. I may also refer to God in the course of a discussion, I do
not mean God as the god of any particular religion, I mean the force behind
life and its laws. You may call God Allah, Brahma, Jesus, Yahweh, Natural
Selection or Universe and I will not differ with you. I also may refer to God as
he, but this is done for simplicity rather than as knowledge of God's physical
nature. No intellectually honest person can claim to know the true nature of
God. It is also worth mentioning that my spiritual beliefs are merely a
reflection of my personal thinking and subjective experience. If proven wrong, I
have no problem in reconsidering my position on any subject. My main goal is to
seek the truth for my own benefit and the benefit of the people I love. I do not
have the need to promote my personal views as the ultimate truth and I would be careful of people who do.
Q. Can you recommend additional
happiness resources for my own research?
A. Yes, I have collected a list of major studies, which include leading
researchers and thinkers for your own convenience. You may visit
Happiness
Studies Resources page.
Q: Can you share with us some of the
workshop insights and tips?
A. For more
insights on happiness, you can visit:
For more information on happiness
research, you can visit:
|
